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It’s a universal experience that most moms feel stressed, strained and rushed every morning trying to get out the door. And it’s no wonder—there are a lot of things that needs to be accomplished in a short period of time in order to leave on time for school, work or morning activities.  This fact alone leaves the morning ripe for toddler (and mommy!) meltdowns, which you definitely don’t have the time for when you are on the clock.

You can alleviate much of the stress by taking a few minutes the night before to get yourself prepared for the next day.  Doing so will help you feel more organized and in control and will go a long way in helping you to feel mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the morning routine.  Here are a few simple ideas that we guarantee will make your morning go more smoothly.

1.  Check the Calendar & the Weather! 

Is it show & tell day tomorrow?  Do you have swim lessons or karate or ballet?  Is it your turn to bake cookies for teacher appreciation day?  Don’t get caught off guard in the morning when you discover these things last minute.  You’ll be left scrambling and frazzled!  A simple check of the calendar will remedy that and give you plenty of time to get together everything you will need for the next day’s activities.  You’ll also want to take a quick glimpse at the weather forecast for the next day to see if you need an umbrella, the rain shield, sunscreen, etc.  There is nothing worse that finally getting out the door and having to turn around due to unexpected weather conditions.

2.  Pick Out Clothing:  Rather than enter into a clothing battle with your child in the morning when you’re rushing to get kids dressed, have your child pick out her outfit with your assistance as part of the bedtime routine.  Your child will feel more in control because she had a say in what she wears and will be less likely to put up a fuss.  While you’re at it, you can also get out any necessary uniform or clothing for the next day.  Swim lessons?  Get the swimsuit & towel ready to go.  Soccer?…find the uniform & shoes and pack it up.  This also ensures that if something is dirty, you will have time to wash it before the morning.

3.  Clean Out the Stroller & Restock the Diaper Bag.  
Spend a few minutes in the evening cleaning out your stroller and diaper bag so that you will have everything ready when you head out the next day. Replace what as been used (diapers, wipes, snacks,) exchange soiled blankets and burp cloths, switch up stroller toys for a little variety and throw in anything you may need for the day like the baby carrier, a picnic blanket, or the portable potty.  Not only will you feel more organized and prepared doing this, but an added bonus of having a fully stocked stroller and bag is that anyone else who make take your child out (your partner, the sitter or another family member) will have everything he/she needs to care for your child.

4. Prepare Snacks & Lunch- Make snack and lunch preparation for the next day part of your dinner routine.  It’s easy and convenient since you are already preparing a meal in the kitchen and you will make healthier choices when you have the time to pull something together rather than grabbing the easiest thing on your way out the door in the morning.  Even if you normally eat lunch at home, preparing it (or at least some parts of it, like cutting up fresh veggies or boiling pasta) ahead of time will only make your life easier the next day.  Who knows what sort of an afternoon you will have…I guarantee you will appreciate having lunch ready when you get home.

5.  Shower!  Even if you like to shower in the morning to start the day off fresh, the fact of the matter for many moms is that there may not be time.  Bathing at night is like giving yourself the gift of time…time to actually enjoy a relaxing shower, time to blow dry your hair if you want to, time to maybe even shave without someone barging in or the pressure of being on the clock.  It’s also just a nice way to decompress and unwind after a long day of parenting.

None of these think-ahead strategies take longer than 5-10 minutes to complete, yet you will buy yourself so much stress-free time in the morning because of your efforts.  The key is to keep momentum for just a bit longer between putting the kids to bed and flopping on the couch with the DVR to get yourself organized.  I promise you will be glad you’ve done it!

This post was also featured on the Kidville Blog “Voices From the Ville”

Enter to Win a FREE StrollAway Stroller Storage System

Finally!  A simple and easy way to get your stroller up off the floor, freeing up much needed floor space!…(especially for those of us living in tight urban quarters!)   StrollAway by MetroTots is a handy little storage hook that slips over the top of any door.  Made of heavy duty steel, this hook can hold the frame of even the heaviest strollers.   This is definitely a must have for every family with little ones!

We will have TWO lucky winner for this giveaway!

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March 15, 2010 is the day that changed everything for me. On that day, I became “mama” to my little boy, Santiago. He entered this world with a little bit of fanfare (he had trouble maintaining his body temperature, which we later found out was due to him having an infection, and he ended up spending the first two weeks of his life in the NICU.) When we were finally bringing him home, I was able to breathe freely.

The first few weeks went by quickly. He was a good baby. He slept through the night at 6 weeks old (long 7 hour stretches – we knew we were spoiled!) He ate voraciously; hit every milestone and every mark on his growth charts. I was due to return to work when he was 4 months old, but was laid off from the non-profit I’d worked for. My father in law had already been scheduled to move in from Peru (where my husband was from) to help us so we wouldn’t have to put Santi in daycare right away. Since I wasn’t working, I was home with them too. I had a decent routine which included waking up, getting Santi fed and dressed, maybe going for a walk or working out with my local Stroller Strides group. Then nap time, lunch and dinner.

When Santi was 5 months old, I got a contract job that was a 45 minute commute away. I left the house each day at 6am so that I could work 7am-3pm. Despite having the time to work and do some things on my own, I began to feel more stressed. I wasn’t getting along with my father in law due to some parenting conflicts, and I disliked going home without my husband there. I started feeling anxiety on my drive home each day, and would delay getting home until I knew my husband was going to be there.

I started to feel as if my head and thoughts were spinning out of control. When something was a minor issue and I had time to think about it, I blew it up into something major. I’d get angry and snap at my husband for not taking out the trash or not helping clean around the house, when that honestly wasn’t the issue. I’d cry for no reason. I started getting more introverted and avoided monthly Moms Night Out activities or play groups. But I didn’t think anything was wrong. I honestly thought it was the tension of having someone else in our small three bedroom apartment that was causing all of it. My father in law left to go back to Peru when Santi was 9 months old and I was finished with my contract. At that point, my husband and I discussed our finances and decided to try and live off of one income and have me stay home.

I settled into our daily routine, and started working out more with my Stroller Strides group. But the other feelings lingered, in particular, the uncontrollable anger. I found myself snapping at my husband, getting frustrated over little things (like getting stuck in traffic or being late for an appointment.) But life went on. We vacationed, we bought our first house. When Santi was 15 months old, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. The pregnancy was hard, as I was nauseous 24/7, but chasing a toddler around made it more difficult. We moved when I was 4 months pregnant, and I poured my energy into unpacking and settling in and making our house a home.

Gabriela Anna was born on January 28, 2012 and was happy and healthy. We quickly adjusted and settled in with our family of 4. Gaby was a completely different baby than Santi. She woke every 2-3 hours. She had reflux that required her sleeping on a special wedge to keep her elevated. She didn’t take a bottle at all, so I was essentially planning every minute of my day around her and her eating schedule. It was also hard for Santi, now 22 months old, to deal with sharing his parents. He definitely loved his sister, but he didn’t quite know what to do with her, since she just slept or laid in her bouncer all day. He occasionally would act out, throw tantrums or throw things, which frustrated me more than it should have. I looked at it as a failure of my parenting, rather than normal behavior.

I started getting out of the house when Gaby was a few weeks old, and we quickly were back in our routine by the time I was 6 weeks post-partum. I started working out again and training for a half marathon. But the feelings that were so familiar after Santi was born quickly crept back into my life – the uncontrollable thoughts, the feeling of anxiety about certain situations, the snapping at my husband for no reason. The day I knew I needed to talk to someone was the day I flat out yelled at Santi because he wouldn’t walk up the stairs in front of me as I was trying to get him and Gaby up for their afternoon nap. I put them both down, came downstairs and called my husband. I told him something was wrong with me, and I needed to talk to my doctor about it. I hung up the phone and then quickly called my general practitioner to make an appointment. And then I cried.

I made sure to have my husband home to watch the kids while I went to the appointment, and went in and poured my heart out to my doctor. I mentioned I’d felt this way after Santi was born, but at the time I’d attributed it to the stress of what was going on with my father in law in the house and nothing else. She mentioned that she heard the same story from a lot of her patients and basically said that it was a form of post-partum depression that she in particular, called “Maxed out Mommy Syndrome”. She said that I could benefit from counseling if I wanted to go that route (which I did.) She also mentioned that since I’d had the same feelings before, that medication would probably help. So she wrote me a prescription for Zoloft, and I immediately went to fill it (knowing it could take up to 6 weeks to take effect.)

When I got home, I called and made an appointment with a local therapist. I was able to get into see one within a few days. We talked about how I was feeling, the medication I was on, and just in general about my life. I told her about the thoughts I’d had and yelling at my son. About the uncontrollable anger, the racing thoughts in my head at times, and just feeling like I was going crazy. And especially how guilty I felt for saying it out loud, but that sometimes I just needed a break from my kids. I felt like I couldn’t say it because of the fact that I wanted both kids very much. That it’d taken us almost a year to get pregnant with my son, and I knew of other people who had taken much longer to get pregnant, if at all. So how could I, even for a second, say something bad about them? That their behavior sometimes drove me crazy? Or that I just needed 10 minutes to myself? I didn’t think I was justified at all.

But my therapist told me that I was justified. She helped me realize two very important things:

#1. I needed time to myself. Whether it is with friends or just out, wandering the aisles of Target or the grocery store, I needed to be able to do it. Even if it meant heading upstairs when my husband was home so that I could take a bath or work on a craft project, read or watch TV.

#2. I needed time to mourn the loss of my former self. The person who I was pre-kids. I didn’t think I wanted anything else in life other than being a mom, but in all honesty, I miss being able to sleep in and not have any other responsibilities. I love my children, but sometimes, occasionally, it would be nice to step back in time. I know it’s not going to happen, so essentially mourning the person I was is the only thing I can do. And that it’s ok to do.

I set up a plan with my therapist to get some “me” time. She made me promise that I would do only things for myself for at least an hour a day. My kids both nap/rest in the afternoon for about 3 hours, so I knew I had that time, but usually I spent it cleaning, paying bills, returning phone calls, etc. She instructed me that I was not allowed to do anything other than watch TV for myself, read, work out, etc. just that it HAD to be for me and only me.

The first few days were really hard. It was so hard to switch out of that mode of “I need to do this…” or, “I can return this phone call then…” and just sit and think about me. In a sense, be completely selfish. I found myself getting bored after 20 minutes. And then I just started relaxing and trying to enjoy the time. And you know what? It was amazing for my psyche. I felt so refreshed and able to play with my kids after they woke up from their naps. After a few weeks of this, I started working in a work out during the time too. I’d gotten a few DVD’s, so I’d just pop one in, or I’d run/walk on our treadmill while watching a DVR’d show. Some days I’d just catch up on television, others I’d read, and others I’d do a craft project, or sort through photographs or other items on my “To Do” list while I was watching tv or listening to Pandora. It didn’t matter what I did, it just mattered that that time was mine, and only mine. (Obviously, if the kids woke up or needed me, I’d be there for them, but usually I’d get that time to myself.) I wouldn’t answer the phone if it rang then. I wouldn’t answer emails. I’d just be consumed by something all for me and only me.

I can’t begin to explain the change I felt in myself in such a short amount of time. I had more energy because I was working out, but also because I wasn’t putting all of my energy into other people. I was putting some of it back into me. And even though it was a small amount of time each day, it helped.

So my advice to other moms out there (stay at home, work from home or work out of the home, it doesn’t matter…we all need time for ourselves) – start small if it seems impossible to carve out a chunk of time for yourself – take an hour once a week. Heck, take 20 minutes once a week to do something just for you. But eventually, work your way up to an hour (or more if you can!) a day. Do whatever YOU want to do. Spring is coming…for me that means yard work, but I love yard work, so I’m already planning my garden and sprucing up the yard and other chores. That will be a majority of my alone time in the next few months.

Here are a few suggestions of things that you could do:

1. Work out – pop in a DVD, look up some fitness shows online or on OnDemand services and do one. Some of them, such as Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, are only 20 minutes, but a great work out.
2. Read – set a list up of books/magazines/blogs that you want to read and tackle them one at a time. Pretty soon, that list that you thought was impossible to sift through will be done and you’ll have to create a whole new one!
3. Watch TV – I don’t watch TV other than the Today Show in the morning for an hour or so. So I record everything on our DVR. The afternoon break is the perfect time for me to catch up. I also have a subscription to Netflix so I can watch seasons of shows over a couple of weeks while I run on the treadmill.
4. Have your husband/babysitter, etc. take the kids as soon as they come home – you leave the house and go and see a movie. Or go to dinner or grab drinks with a friend. Or go for a run, get a pedicure/massage, whatever.  Just leave as soon as there is someone to watch them. Make it a priority. Put it on the calendar and STICK to the date. Don’t make it flexible, otherwise you’ll find every excuse not to do it.
5. Make time for date nights with your significant other – don’t just make time for them, but actually go on them. Put the dates on the calendar and have them set in stone unless something like an illness comes up. But then reschedule. I believe that first and foremost, I’m a wife to my husband. Secondly, I’m a mom. And I can’t be a good mom to my children if I’m not in a good place in my marriage. Make the dates more than just “dinner and a movie” if you can. My husband and I try and plan every other date so that we’re doing something we haven’t done before. It’s giving us a chance to explore the area where we live, and do things like go to a pottery painting store or go roller skating or ice skating together.

The time for yourself as a mom is important for you, but it’s also important to your children. I believe that by making you better – even 20 minutes at a time – makes you a better mom. Your children need to see that it’s not only important for you to do things for them, but for yourself as well, so that when they have children of their own, they know how to take time for themselves.

________________________________

Kate Davila is a 30-ish stay at home mom to her two beautiful children (Santiago and Gabriela), blogger, crafter, DIY-er, and someone who will try most things at least once. She’s been known to do crazy things such as take trapeze lessons over the age of 30, and run a half marathon on purpose. She’s a transplant to Washington (near Seattle) from the great state of Maine, where she attended college and received her Bachelors degree in Mass Communications. She’s been married to her husband Tito (he’s from Peru, which is where he got that cool nickname) for 8 years, and is a new-ish home owner who spends her weekends chasing after toddlers, creating lists of things to do for the house and yard, and just enjoying time with her family.

You can read more about Kate’s adventures in parenthood on her blog Life, Love & Bunny Crackers

You can also find her on Instagram (lifeloveandbunnycrackers) and Twitter (@kateandtito)

YP2:  Please introduce us to your kids.

SN:   I have two daughters – ages 5 and 22 months.

YP2:  Are your kid’s personalities similar or different? What has been the most surprising thing about that for you?  The most challenging?

SN:  This is really interesting because I noticed this right away. My older daughter has always been a little shy and scared of everything from dogs to new people. But my second daughter has been the complete opposite. She smiles at everyone that she sees and she adores animals – getting right to their mouth to want to pet them. My older daughter was also really into books as a toddler and would sit with a stack of them recite the pages; whereas my younger daughter doesn’t like to be read to and snatches books from my hand when I try.

YP2:  How has your Big Kid adjusted to having a little sibling?

SN:  This has been a long process that started when I told her I was pregnant when she was 3. She didn’t quite understand the concept but she loved the idea of being a big sister. Once her little sister arrived I saw a shift in her world – from it being all about her – to being about the baby and our new family of 4. I was really worried about that and at times I think we are still going through the adjustment of having there be a shift in the attention being all about her. It seems that the older one wants the younger one to grow up quicker so that they can play together, and my younger one just wants to be around the older one whenever she can.

YP2: Can you share with us one way that you are able to find quality time with your Big Kid?  Your baby?  Your partner? Yourself?

SN: This is challenging and is different depending on what our scdules are like. For my older daughter, I try to take her on special dates like to a show or movie every now and again. For the baby, I have time with her when the older one is at school. I take her to different sing-alongs and an art class where it is just about her and not us shuffling around to get through the day. With my husband, we try to go on date nights as much as we can. We are a lot more tired than with the first,but we have a babysitter now so it helps to get out when we can. We like to go out to dinner, movies or plays.

YP2:  Was going back to work after your second baby any more challenging than it was after your first?  Was it easier?  Any words of wisdom here that you’d like to share for moms who are headed back to the workplace after baby #2?

SN: When I was home from maternity leave, I was dreading going back to work at my full-time office job (same thing happened to me with my first daughter). Before I was pregnant, I was freelancing for Momtrends, a national website that provides tips and insight to living a fashionable life, and around that time Nicole Feliciano (founder of Momtrends) was expanding her business and asked me to be the Managing Editor website. Not only was I able to work in a genre that was directly related to my life (and professional background), I also found a work-from-home job that offered me flexibility. What was hard (at first) was having a regular babysitter for the first time. I was lucky to have family members help me out with my first daughter, so finding a babysitter was quite foreign as well as the emotions that went with leaving a three-month old baby.  But after almost two years with her  she has become a part of our family and gives me the peace of mind to know that my girls were with an incredibly caring and professional person. Finding good help is crucial and it really allowed me to do both. Also, I work in a rare industry where I can make my own schedule to bring the kids to classes or school or enjoy time at the park. I wouldn’t trade those moments but it also means that I work most nights, but what has helped me is to stick to a daily plan and prioritize what I have to do in a given day. Having this kind of schedule also helped me get organized quickly!

YP2:  If you work from home, do something “on the side,” or have started your own business, please share how & when you find the time to nurture that business. Did becoming a mom have anything to do with this career choice?

SN:  While I work for Momtrends, I also have my soup blog that I try to work on once a week. I also love to write plays. This part has been extremely challenging – especially faced with my busy day with the kids and work. What I try to do is to work on my own thing at least 20 minutes a day. Sometimes it works and other times, I can barely manage to stay awake. It is a constant juggling act to try to get everything together – from the kids’ lunches to making dinner to work to my life responsibilities that really means that I have to be organized and not be afraid to ask for help.

YP2:  How long do you think it took you to get “back in to your groove” after baby #2?

SN:  I’m still working on that! I think it wasn’t  until after the first year where I felt like I had a good grasp on the many balls in my court. What I have realized is that it is crucial to be organized – whether that is being on top of grocery shopping or school activities – so I keep a family calendar listing all that we have going on.  I also think it is key to ask for help and now I am better at telling my husband that I need to do things for me – whether it is work or an occasional night out. Staying connected as a woman to my interests and friends is also key to feeling focused as a mom.

YP2:  So…do you think Twice Blessed really does mean More Stressed?

SN:  In a way, I do feel more stressed but I also feel more confident as a parent and my life with my two little girls and now as a family of four is the complete joy of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

April 10, 2009  (32w pg with #2.)

It was really beautiful here yesterday-in the low 60′s and sunny, so after Eli woke up from his nap (3.5 hours-pure heaven I tell you!) we headed out to Central Park.  I loaded down the stroller with fun stuff to do-packed a ball, sidewalk chalk, his mini stroller to push around, stopped for a black tea lemonade (my new obsession at SB) and we landed at one of my favorite playgrounds for awhile.  It was the first time EVER that I felt comfortable enough to sit on a bench for a few minutes and let Eli climb and negotiate the equipment on his own without chasing him, or walking a billion times around the perimeter of the structure.  He is very competent and sturdy now, knows not to step off the edges, can go down the slides without help, etc. so I felt comfortable enough to give him a little more freedom.  It was so nice…to just sit there watching him look and act like such a little BOY.  No longer a baby, but a boy who has become so smart and observant and aware.  My little person.  My little boyfriend who has been my constant companion and has brought me more contentment and joy and fulfillment than I knew possible.  For two years its been him & me, me & him…and I’m sort of sad that will be changing soon.

I found myself absent-mindedly rubbing my belly and I think I was just feeling nostalgic for Eli’s baby years, which have passed all too quickly and will be that much more of a blur in the next few months.   I know I have written about this before, but I have felt disconnected from this pregnancy for many reasons, some of which probably have to do with the fact that I am nervous/worried about how another baby will impact Eli, how it will change our relationship, our family dynamic, how it’s going to rock my little boy’s world pure and simple.  I feel guilty. I feel like I am cheating on him or something.  Not to be cliche, but really, how can I ever love, focus and give the same amount of time and attention to any other children the way I have with Eli?  I mean, I’ve heard it all before…your heart grows, you can love them equally, you find ways.  But honestly, I think some of that is just propaganda to make mothers feel less guilty about having more kids!  Bottom line…there is NO WAY I will be able to focus and give as much undivided attention to any subsequent children the way I did with Eli.  Yes, I will have alone time with the baby and I will have help with Eli, I will try to take classes with him/her like I did with Eli, we will hopefully be able to spend quality time cuddling in bed, or playing on the floor, or doing fun things out in the city.  But I don’t expect that I will get to spend hours rocking the baby to sleep, and some activities that I managed to do with Eli just may not be available or possible juggling the schedule of two kids.  I mean, lets face it….we probably won’t even travel as much as we have with Eli, so the exposure and possibilities for new experiences with this new baby will also be compromised.  I can’t help but feel like I’m giving both kids the shaft.

I don’t know.  I guess I’m just in mourning over the fact that my time with Eli will soon change, our status as a single-kid family will change, our lives will become unquestionably more challenging and difficult.  That all makes me a little bit sad.

After the playground, Eli and I took a walk through the park…I followed him with the stroller while he chased his ball, climbed up some rocks, dug in the dirt with sticks.  He was so joyful and happy:  “Hear the birds!!!”  “See helicopter!!!”  “Riding bicycles!!!” and all of it just made me well up with pride and love.  We ended up at Turtle Pond where we looked over the railing for a long time at the turtles & ducks.  Eli called all the turtles by their “names”…”there’s a daddy!  and a baby!”  and I taught him that boy ducks have blue  & green feathers, while girl ducks are brown, so he proceeded to shout “there’s a BOY one!!  and a GIRL one!”  And then he discovered his shadow and that was a whole other fun new game to play…chasing the shadow, watching how the shadow lifts his hand at the same time.  I swear, the wonder and awe and sheer innocence of it all was totally amazing.  I wish I could have frozen time.

Husband called and was out of work early, so he had some time to meet us for dinner before going to the gym.  We met at the Shake Shack for burgers and just had a really nice family meal.  Eli sat in a bar stool the whole time like a big boy and very accurately reported back to daddy everything that we did and saw in the park.  I was impressed by his recall and his ability to communicate what all we had been up to.  Omer had to leave for his trainer appt. so he took the stroller with him in a cab and Eli and I stayed on to finish our dinner date.  Once we were done, the two of us piled in to a cab and headed home.  And while we were speeding along I wondered to myself “how am I going to do this with two?”

See, I feel like I have really figured out how to manage living in NYC with a kid over the last two years pretty well.  I have enough confidence to take Eli on the subway, the bus, in cabs…we walk miles a day, we pretty much go anywhere so long as I am motivated.  I’ve really tried (and I think successfully so) not to let having a kid slow us down from doing and going to the places we love.  In fact, I think having Eli has driven me to even do MORE and experience MORE than I would because I want to expose him to as much as I can.  I feel fortunate that we even live in a city that offers so much culture, so many activities and so many fun, kid-friendly places to go.  So I just do it.  I load up Eli and we go, go, go…and honestly I think that has made my life as a SAHM that much more satisfying and rewarding.  That I am not cooped up at home with a busy toddler all day and that I can get out and do things that are not only fun for him, but for ME has made a huge difference in my own personal satisfaction with my life.

And dare I say that it has even become easier now that Eli is older?  He can walk and hold my hand so I don’t have to have the stroller all the time.  He can go up and down the subway stairs, sit in his own seat on the bus, sit in my lap in a cab without fighting me tooth and nail.  I also need less when we go out…just a diaper and a sippy so my load is easier to haul.  He can stand on the curb while I put the stroller in the trunk, he can carry things–he can help me!  He listens!  It’s all amazing, and honestly, a point in parenthood that I have really been looking forward to and am proud to have reached.

So, having a newborn and starting all over again is very, very daunting at this point.  Not only for all the obvious reasons, but for the not-so-obvious ones that are particular to me, to us and the way we live here.  How will I manage two kids in a cab?  How can I unfold and reassemble a stroller from the trunk with a toddler who may flee at any second and a baby clinging to my hip?  Does this mean I can’t/won’t go as many fun places as I have with Eli?  Will I begin to feel discouraged and daunted by the idea of taking TWO kids out to a restaurant?  Will I turn in to one of those disheveled, unorganized, crazy moms who people stare at and feel sorry for?  I’m a bit freaked ladies…can you tell?

We had brunch yesterday morning with my friend J and her 18 month old and after things got a bit hairy with the boys (as we approached nap time) I laughed and asked her if she would still hang out with me once we had the new baby.  She said of course, but really, I also wonder how having two will impact the relationships I have with my wonderful mom friends (most all moms of one), what about playgroup?  Will I bring the new baby or not?  Do I get a new playgroup for the baby, or just start taking two kids to Eli’s?  And what about when I’m stuck in that two-nap-a-day routine and my schedule doesn’t mesh with anyone else’s so I never can make or keep plans to see my girlfriends?  Will people feel like things are too frazzled with my busy two year old and my crying/hungry/sleepy baby that they will stop inviting me to thing?    I know I’m probably going over board, but I’m just so content and satisfied with my life now that I’m really worried about how this new addition will change everything.

I definitely take comfort in the fact that these feelings are normal-I have no doubt. I know I’m going through much of what every mom goes through as their family grows and changes.  The guilt, the worry, the feelings of accountability and responsibility-really the weight of the world.  It’s normal, to be expected.  And I can confidently say that I am SURE it won’t be nearly as bad as I’ve convinced my self it will be.  I also know that along with all the challenges comes pure happiness and joy.  There will be tough days, but I’m sure there will also be days where I feel super accomplished and like I have conquered multiple-kiddom.  And I know that seeing Eli interact with his new baby brother or sister, assuming the role of Big Brother, #1 sibling, ruler of the household will be wonderful and exciting. I really am looking forward to that.  It’s just going to be an adjustment.

So, while have a little time before all these changes occur, I’m going to mourn a bit…for the life I have encompassed and enjoyed the last two years, for the love of my little guy, for the sheer treasure of time we have been able to spend together, for becoming a mom and doing it in a busy, crazy, complicated city….for managing one and doing it with pleasure and satisfaction.  And for Eli, who is the love of my life and for whom life will irreversibly change-but hopefully for the good.  We have some time left together just the two of us and I plan on enjoying it and making the most of it.

One of the most anticipated moments of second- (or third, or fourth!) time parenthood is when you get to introduce your older child to his/her new sibling.  Whether at home, a birthing center or the hospital, watching your newly expanded brood come together and meet for the first time is a cherished and unforgettable experience.  However, as excited as parents may be for this moment, many are also extremely nervous and worried about how their big kid will react the first time he meets the baby.  Our strategy to ensure a smooth introduction between siblings?  Make a party out of it!

Children learn from an early age how exciting and fun birthday parties are.  They love to give and receive gifts, eat cake, sing “Happy Birthday,” and play with balloons and party favors.  Linking something you know your child enjoys with the birth of the baby will set a nice tone when they meet for the first time and will create positive associations and memories of the baby’s arrival.

Planning the baby’s birthday party doesn’t have to be a complicated or time consuming project.  In fact just a few simple things will make the day that much more anticipated and special for your child.   Begin by making a party invitation to “mail” to your child.  Not only will she love receiving the letter, but you can also use the invitation as way to introduce the idea of celebrating the baby’s birth.   “We will have a birthday party for your baby sister when she arrives!  Won’t that be fun?”  This will generate excitement and give your child something more to look forward to when the baby comes.

Once you have introduced the party, you can include your child in the rest of the preparation:

• Have her help you make invitations for the family members and friends who will come to the hospital to meet the baby.
• Ask her for her opinion and help choosing what treat to make for the party: “Should we bring cupcakes or cake?  What flavor would you like?”  “What should we have to drink?”  Have your child make the cupcakes with an adult at home while you are in the hospital—she will love having a special job and will be excited to show you what she baked.
• Make an activity out of going to the party store to pick out plates, napkins and other supplies together.
• Help her make a welcome sign or banner to use as a decoration in the hospital room.
• Let her pick out or make a small gift for the baby.  A fun idea is to decorate a picture frame where a picture of the new siblings will go after the birth. (You may also want to pick out a small gift for the baby to give to your Big Kid!)

After your child comes to see you and the baby and the initial introductions have taken place, ask her “Is it time for our birthday party to begin?  Should we light the candle and sing to our new baby?”  Let your big kid have a special job like passing out the napkins and plates so that she feels included and “brag” to others about all the things that your big kid has done to help plan the party.  Your child will not only feel proud that she has pleased her grown ups, but she will learn early on how wonderful it feels to do nice things for her little sibling.

The arrival of a new sibling is a happy and joyous occasion and one that should be celebrated.  Having a fun, simple birthday party to mark the day sends a wonderful and important message to your child—namely that having a new baby brother or sister is a GOOD thing.  And hey…if a new baby comes with cake, then your big kid may be asking for more siblings before you know it!

This post was originally written for Kidville’s Voices from the Ville Blog

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It’s a typical Sunday afternoon, dangerously close to nap time. A meltdown is imminent. Both parents recognize this and quickly put routines into motion to prevent their 32 pound bomb from exploding. Tensions are high. Regardless of whether or not the child successfully goes down for a nap, someone’s feelings are bound to get hurt. This collateral damage can easily fester and ruin what may have been a perfectly good day so far.

This is an age old problem that unfortunately gets little attention in the grand scheme of things. While moms and dads concentrate so hard on what’s best for the child, the lack of communication and unintentional smiting can cause lasting rifts in what is really supposed to be an equal partnership. As a father of a two year old, I’ve experienced this, and I can’t tell you how much it sucks. Like anything else in the terrible two’s, it’s a phase that will pass, but only if you work at it.

The biggest culprit: style. Let’s face it, moms and dads do things differently because we’re not wired the same way. What may seem crucial to my wife is barely relevant to me, but partnership is supposed to be about mutual trust and respect. My wife and I both have our laundry lists of things we do that bother the hell out of each other, but we try to be sensitive and not let it interfere with the task at hand. However, when dealing with a new and emerging personality, this is easier said than done.

More often than not, the “hands on” parent (typically the mom) who spends the most time with the child tends to run the show. This leaves us working dads who may not be around as often feeling like spectators in our own home lives. In my experience, I pushed harder when I was home because I wanted to feel like a team player, but to my wife, it looked like I wanted everything done my way. It took a while before we both figured out we needed to play to each others strengths.

Strategize, people. When the little one is down for the night, open a bottle of wine and make a plan. Figure out who is better at what and implement a system that causes less friction (“Ok, I suck at bath time, you suck at bedtime. Let’s switch for a while”). Agree to discuss situational differences at a later/more appropriate time (“I’m sorry I lost it at your mom’s, but you gave me that look”). Nothing is worse than subverting your spouse’s authority in front of your child (“I get what you were saying, but it didn’t seem to be working at the time. I’m a kamikaze, and I’m sorry”). Remember: the ultimate goal is to be on the same page.

And ladies, I don’t mean to imply that it’s mostly our fault (just usually in my case) but you have to let us do our thing. For God’s sake, go out! Go out for a long time, but please come back. Leave us time to do it ourselves so we don’t feel pigeonholed. And don’t call to check in, we’ll call you if we’re going to the hospital. One of the best Daddy/Daughter nights I had was spent watching a concert dvd with her while my wife was at a bachelorette party. It may not have been the go-to entertainment choice for a one year old, but she loves music now, so whatever.

Working together is better for everyone. Look at it this way: two people can sit in the front seat of a car, but only one can drive. While that person is technically in charge, a good driver is lost without a good navigator. It’s a team effort and we all want the same end result.

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Stephen Petry is a musician, a daydreamer, and a class clown. These things also make him a most unlikely parent. Since he and his wife welcomed their daughter into the world in 2010, he has tried (sometimes unsuccessfully) to approach parenting with a sense of humor. He also has great hair.

Please check out Stephen’s blog Second Inversion for more candid thoughts on parenthood and become a fan on Facebook